...YOU go on a diet.

I'm getting sick and tired of all these diet fads. Little ways to cheat and get away without doing what really needs to be done. Low carb, Atkins, no carb, low fat, no fat, low protein, high protein, less protein, less twinkies, sigh... I'm so sick of it in fact that I'm going to jump on the bandwagon; and I'm going to do it for free. Let me introduce to you the Every Time I Poop Diet. It's quite simple really, and I'm going to explain it from the ground up.
You can measure the energy your body uses and consumes in calories. Every substance in and out of your body that can be burned for energy contains calories. The secret to my diet is this: In any capacity you want, eat less calories than you need. That's it. I don't care how you do it, and neither do you. You could eat half as much (insert word here): Carbs, fat, hot dogs, coffee, sugar, spice, everything nice. Or you could use more calories. That means exercise. Get off your butt and go for a jog, a ride, a skate, or have lots of sex every day. In a month you'll feel better AND you'll lose weight. But, here's the ultimate solution: Combine both methods. Diet AND exercise. You can always find the truth in the fine print of commercials. So in 6 months when you've lost 100 pounds, you're feeling great, you're looking great, and someone asks you "Wow Marge, you look amazing! What diet are you on" just tell them "Every Time I Poop" and enjoy the confusion!