Selfishness

I have all these ideas floating around in my head right now, and they keep just briefly coming into focus and its not long enough for me to get something concrete and cohesive down in this blog entry. So...I dunno.

I'm just feeling weird tonight. I feel like I might be at some kind of a weird crossroads in my life. I feel like I've come a long way in the past couple of years, mostly in the last year, and I'm headed on a good path. Everything is going pretty well. Behind me is of course where I came from, and I do not ever want to go back there. That's not something I would have said 6 months ago. 6 months ago I was TRYING to go back. I felt like I had changed in some bad way, and that I needed to go back to who I was a long time ago, during or even before high school. But it turns out that isn't the case, at least that's how I feel at the moment. I'm finally starting to think that I've done something right. I took my life and steered it the way I wanted it to go.

The problem is that in order to accomplish this change I had to sever a lot of connections with people. I even burned a bridge. At least one. Basically I had to become selfish. See, I used to pride myself on being selfless. It was my goal to take away people's pain, and the only way to do that is to take it and make it your own. I used to mediate my friends. I was their middle man, the one who solved all the group's problems and all the individual's problems. I took their secrets, kept them private and gave them my word. I took their pain, sadness and anger for my own and gave them my comfort, happiness and compassion. It destroyed me. My soul was empty. I had nothing left to give, and in order to start getting it back I had to break the chain. I had to remove myself from the middle man position, and I did so. Unfortunately I also felt the need to reveal one particularly big secret. In doing so I put the final nail in the coffin of a failing relationship, and at the same time lost a friend. Since then I have been unable to have the empathy for other people that I so enjoyed. It's no longer possible for me to feel for somebody else. That was the price I had to pay for breaking that trust.

See this is where the problem comes in. Although I'm in a better position than I was some years ago, I can't shake the selfishness that was required to get me here and out of that hole. I'm afraid this is going to end up hurting me even more in the long run. I'm starting school in 2-3 weeks and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able deal with all the new people.

I'm not sure but I might not be able to feel anything at all.

I have to stop this here.